before I bereaved it, I believed it
she’s sick, but I was never a cure
no antidote, none needed
love it or leave it
still a mystery, still mystic
so what was the mistake then?
scattered flour, only half-baked
no risk take-n
and that’s how fate went
quote me forever more, but I’m no raven
stirred and somewhat shaken
word is Bond, and this martyr-ini is late again
bruised like gin, somewhat achin’
olives on a toothpick; garnish what I’m makin’
This? Check
That? Check
The other thing? Check also
The things that enable me are all here. As I can’t sleep, and am in the middle of A History of Violence, it strikes upon me to write again. Which is really a way for me to talk. Which in turn, is a way for me to express what it is that I think. Which too much of, as always happens but isn’t necessarily always welcome, is the case.
As I am wont to say of late, it’s been a minute, LJ. I write semi-regularly here, just mostly in private. Let’s see what that’s been…
Random rhymes as they come to mind (hah)? But of course. Ah, December 31st, a bunch of point-form notes for a blog entry I may or may never write. But the idea(s) seemed good at the time.
Ah, December 1st was the last public entry. A re-post of what I wrote in my fantasy football league. Which I ended up winning. And while playing is fun, let it be known that winning makes the game often all that much better. At least once in a while is all I ask.
So what’s happened since then? A few Hip Hop Karaokes and an R ‘n B Karaoke. A bevy of films with a bevy of good people. Good meals with good people. Some alone time when I need it. Not enough New Year’s resolutions made, and even fewer adhered to.
But as I’ve said in a tweet: Word of the day is ‘inextricable’. Invariably, the same people, places, and themes seem to recur. Onto the next…
That’s not to say that change (GROWTH) can’t and doesn’t happen. I’m most certain that it does. Even if one clings to the notion of one’s own self-image of a singular or multiple points in time, that what is around you doesn’t abide. Embrace or reject, regardless one has to ultimately accept. Avoidance is but a coping mechanism, it’s never a solution.
Sometimes this is okay, and at other times less so, but let’s internet freestyle again. Fire up a beat, shall we?
When the fuck did this whiskey hit me?
Born a rascal, but I ain’t Dizzee
Wrench like Allen, gilding that Lily
Watch me as I get silly
Blinded to the truth, but I still see
Nothing but a worm, I’m silky
Chiffon, what the fuck am I on
My fabric ain’t elastic, no nylons
My song is my song, can’t let those that done wrong be bygone
When I’m feeling mega, everything else is just a micron
A better past and future, same things for which that I long
Come at me, but know the consequences
It ain’t as though that this bro is gon be defenseless
What’s that I smell?
Oh, that’s the scent of me descending, rendering you senseless
Short and stout, this is the tempest
And I’mma end this
Current music: Mobb Deep - Shook Ones (instrumental)
Young Breezy and Jimmy “Preach” Graham
reppin’ the dirty-dirty South, you know they go HAM/
Dezzy and Roddy, they’re part of the fam/
My team is the slaughterer, the Horde be the lambs
Current music: Drake feat. Kanye West, Lil Wayne, Eminem - Forever
Take it in, there
The new Winter’s flowers have now captured the previous air
Breathe what is the atmosphere
Brave what the past had us fear
Oh, my dear
What is it?
Something that you could tell me?
If you’ll clutch it close, I won’t pry
Your wishes, know that, I’ll abide
For I want you by my side
So long as we look forward, we won’t always need to see eye to eye
But when we do
We’ll be taken away if such is our wont
Our needs
Perish or flourish, whatever that may be
All I ask is that
You’ll continue to stay with me
Please
Current music: 雪中蓮 ~ 王菲
we stopped at the same spot
and I noticed you had what all the rest ain’t got
if life was a desert, you’d be my rain drop
smile so infectious, call you “pandemic”
the way you made me feel, can’t forget it
just thinking about it gets me a little light headed
the soft touch of your hand as you told your sob story
making me wish everything could’ve been made hunky dory
me being dorky, constantly saying, “I’m sorry”
in that moment, we had only us, even with others at the table
may be best to not reminisce, but… but I’m unable
then we had to bid our adieus
and now I miss you
seething, barely breathing
if I stay it’s a fight, so fuck it, I’m leaving
you lack that density, and I have too much intensity
not enough sweetness, and you ain’t lending me
that sugar
and so we’ll bicker til that flame becomes a flicker
hell in a handbasket, and we’re burning that wicker
slowly it’ll combust, and I’ll come bust
out the heavy artillery, how silly of me
It has occurred to me that it’s been far too long since I’ve actually savoured something. Oh yes, I do enjoy the things I like, whether be it food, film, friends, or family. But “it” hasn’t been there. That moment, that peace, that zen, that joy.
“Life is hard”, that’s a truism if there ever was one. Life is harder for some than others to be sure. And if someone feels like it isn’t so, well they’re doing it wrong.
That’s not to say life doesn’t have its easier moments, even for those whose lot in life has everything going for it. Buy it’s of those moments of familiarity, of camaraderie, of love — it’s those times and moments that make life worth living for, that we all should cherish.
And it’s precisely those moments that I feel unease about, that guilt makes its spectre be known to me. For I don’t enjoy those moments in the moment enough, but merely as I think my insecurities allow them to be; that I think they should be.
“Should be.” Now that’s an expansive phrase (Thank you, Layer Cake).
